home in Milwaukee to clear the walks. Five more times there have been break-ins or at- Sometimes I have to take on special assignments. For tempted burglaries. One night not long ago, I had instance, for the fall initiation of new members, the studied late amid the water heater's wheezing when I dinner featured Polynesian shrimp in sweet-and-sour heard strange noises. I looked out one of my windows sauce. It went over like cold oatmeal with the girls, but to see three young men sneaking into the building next we couldn't waste it, SO I was asked to sort through the door. I called the Madison police, who now know me chestnuts and bamboo shoots, and rescue the shrimps on a first-name basis, and they caught the guys trying for later meals. to re-enter the house later. But the real problems arise because I am a male and Since they hadn't entered my room, I couldn't press they are females and they expect me to "do anything." charges and had to phone the housemother. "Hello, The night of the great ice storm that paralyzed this is Bob," I said. "We've had another break-in. The southern Wisconsin, March 4, I was studying for a test police have caught three guys, and they'd like to talk the next day, but left the library before the blackout. with you." Unfortunately, that meant that I was at home for it. "Bob who?" she asked. When the power went off at 10:15, screams echoed She decided not to press charges because the boys from fifty different places. As the only one in the house claimed that they were from a fraternity and were with a flashlight, I had to save everyone and dashed only trying to steal the girls' group picture. I expressed first to the study room. You might have thought I was my vehement opposition to this, pointing out that three Robert Redford, the way the girls clamored for me, other burglars had used this excuse in the past two except for the one in the corner who wasn't content to months, and the robberies had continued. I explained just leave the room, but had to get her books first. that the only way to stop this was to make an example She picked up each of her papers, one at a time. Then of some of the guys SO word would get around. picked up each book. One at a time. Then discovered "No, the girls would be mad at me," she replied. that one of the books was missing a paper. So she had Now I sleep with a 32-ounce Louisville Slugger bat, to empty all the papers, one at a time, then insert the and the next would-be burglars will have Henry Aaron's correct one in its book, during which she spilled a autograph stenciled on their foreheads. glass of 7-Up. Meanwhile the rest of the house sounded Why do I do it? like ladies day at Bedlam. The sorority provided me with a place to live when With my flashlight, I led the girls from the study I needed it two years ago. It cuts my college expense room like the Pied Piper, only to discover more girls in half, and does offer some rewards. It never fails to in another part of the house who were just as terrorized. impress my friends when every other girl walking up It never occurred to any of them that if they ate by Bascom Hill says hello to me. The cheerleaders and candlelight every night, they could use the same candles pom pon girls go out of their way to greet me at football when the lights blew out. and basketball games, since most of them live in the sorority. And, there's the uniqueness. How many guys do you The DGs assume I'm a first-rate auto mechanic. I'm know who live with fifty-three women? This kind of not, but I know how to turn the ignition switch on, thing hasn't been reported since the last issue of The which makes me their leader. One night a girl came Enquirer. to my room and explained that her car must have expired because it wouldn't make its normal grunts. Reprinted with permission of the Wisconsin Alumnus I got into her car, put the shift lever in park, and it started easily. I explained that most cars won't start when in gear, and promised to show her where the gas After the preceding article appeared in the Wisconsin tank was the next day. A week later she came back Alumnus, Betsy Fretz, a member of Omega chapter at and told me that the grunting noises had stopped when the University of Wisconsin, wrote a letter to the editor she started the car because she had it tuned. "It only in defense of her sorority sisters. In it she said, "May I cost me $187 and the man said I was lucky because I state that the women who were falsely accused of not had driven for 3,000 miles with those spark plugs. having enough sense to light candles or to know how They were black on the ends!" to start a car are not the women I have lived with and The worst part of my job SO far has been the come to know and love in the four years since I pledged burglaries. My room is the only one with ground-level DG As a house we boast the highest scholastic windows that aren't barred. They draw burglars like grade point average on the campus; we are active in the Kollege Club draws Greeks on a Friday night. One the community Delta Gamma is a noteworthy night, I was asleep and woke to hear a scratching organization full of young women who bring honor not against the window. It stopped, and I began to doze off only to themselves and to their sorority, but to the again when the window was whipped open and a burly University as well." figure began to climb through. He saw me and must Right on, Betsy! have decided that if I was a DG, there was nothing in the house for him! He left a lot faster than he came in. THE ANCHORA OF DELTA GAMMA WINTER 1976/7